The Things That Were Important

I think back on all the things
We argued or disagreed on
The things we felt so important
Things that we had said and done
I held my opinion and you yours
Finding middle ground on some
Sometimes I would given in
And you did too.
Simple thing of disagreements
Where are they now?

Those things we held so important
Have faded and paled in the hours
Since our child has died
And we grieved midst the flowers
Why was it so important for me to
Have it my way
Just one more moment with him
To have here today
I would put aside my ego
Put aside my shame
To have him respond once
When I called his name.

In pain I have learned a lesson
A cost to high to bear
That things are not as important
As it is to really care
My son has gone forever
And I am left here alone
Reconsidering the things
I felt were important at home

I can't undue the past
Nor bring him back
I would give my life for him
And never take it back
But that's not my fate, my course
The path I walk each day
Is now very clear and poignant
To help others along the way
A simple gesture, a kindness done
Easing the burden of a fellow
This is the gift that my son gave to me
An easing of the anger to mellow
What does his death accomplish?
How can it be fair?
Questions without answers
And truths for which I care

Empty Containers

The empty containers sit on the speakers

Once holding full bouquets of flowers

Well meaning tokens of the thoughts

Of a family in tears

The flowers contained, the hopes of friends

Flowers cut from the root , dying

One by one the blossoms do fade, dropping

Surrendering to time

The containers now sit empty, piled together

The flowers have been discarded

The thoughts of the friends have withered

But the family is still in tears

While the world progresses and spins again

Time stands still in the family with tears

Pain slows the clock and their hearts

Longing for the child who is now apart

Those flowers were kind and thoughtful I guess

But they did little to heal the hearts in this mess

When the flowers are gone, the tears remain

And those empty containers remind us again

One Minute

Walking in the department store
Shopping and walking
I though about you
And I wanted just one minute

One minute to look in your eyes
One minute to hear you breathe
One minute to feel you move
One minute to say
I love you.

I would have even accepted less
One look
One breathe
One kick
I love you

My thoughts boiled down into
The simplest of sets
How long is a minute
The next sixty seconds
An eternity, forever
And beyond the heavens
When you died

I wonder now when you
had your last minute, what
did you wish for?
A breath?
A look ?
A hug?
And I love you

Melt Away

A flame solitary and silent

Arises from the center

Of our shattered life

Glowing and flickering

Bright light descending

Finding the hope within

Melting away the sadness

Into a pool of fuel

It uses that energy to shine

While it glows so bright

What is not touched

By it soft yellow light

There is no darkness

Near this wick

No dark spots at all

Slowly consuming

And melting away

The hard substances

Of our pain

Final Words

Lullaby and good night
May your dreams come true
Lullaby and good night
May all your wishes too
I love you Chandler
You are my first son
And you were very wanted
You left us too soon
And I miss you already
Your mother loves you very much
And Stephanie too

There was this little boy
Who was walking in the forest
He enjoyed the woods and trees
He felt safe and comfortable there
He like to run and could dart between
The tree and bushes easily
He could see the deer and the rabbits
And hear the sounds of the birds singing
He could see the green grasses
And the brown bark on the trees
He could feel the cool breeze and
Smell the fresh air

Chandler, that little boy is you.
You are in a safe place and free from harm
You go before us and I need
You to learn as much as you can
About the world beyond this one
When I get there, you can be my guide
Together we can run in the fields
And play in the grass.
You look for your grandfathers
And grandmothers, they will help you

I love you Chandler, my son.

( my recollection of my words as I
rocked my stillborn so the last time)

How are you doing?

How are you doing?
Simply asked by the unaware.

I saw the bright yellow sun today
It reminded me sadly
That my son had died

I saw the green fields and the blue sky
I thought to myself
My son had died

The simple teasing that would have
Cause me to fume, doesn’t matter now
That my son has died

The moments grind past
Exceeding slowness, since
My son has died

The person I was and liked
Has shattered and fallen
Now that he has died

I am reading information
I shouldn't have to, because
My son has died

Food has lost it taste and pleasure
Why bother
My son has died

I scream inside and whither
And only I hear
My son has died

So how am I?
I don't know, but I do know
My son has died
Thanks for asking.

His Candle

His candle burns beside me

A memorial to his light

Warmth and energy expanding

Kicking stretching glee

I do not feel him now

Within her womb empty

The kicking has stopped

And the candle burns

I am a father now

To a lost child, why?

I am a father now to

A memory, a prayer

I am a father now in

Title alone, but what role?

Was I a good father?

Did I do it right?

Where is the child

I would have held

in the night? Gone

And the candle burns

How can I feel now

That I have sealed them away

I can't find the screams that

Echo in my head all day

Silent is my pain, hidden

With brick and mortar

I did secure within

Safe within my shelter

Strong and protective

Crying on my walls

And the candle burns

How do I express the pain

That lasts forever to

The one I love who endures

The same?

Fair it isn't, nor right

To hold her close as she

Cries away the night

Mourning the loss of our

child. So small and dear

I hold back, supportive

And nurturing, trembling in fear

And the candle burns

Each night is a struggle

And the candle burns