Wednesday, February 25, 2009
This Blog
My son died on March 10th, 1999. He was 20 weeks old and did not survive the birth process. In coping with my grief, I wrote 30 days of poems. I have included them in this blog.
A Month Ago
A Month Ago
Tonight, tonight is the first month date
The date a month ago when you began to be born
The date a month ago was your last day alive
Tomorrow is a month ago your birthday
A month ago I hear your heartbeat
A month ago I held you tenderly
A month ago I saw your face for the first time
A month ago I said goodbye
My life ended a month ago
My heart broke a month ago
My world stopped making sense
A month ago
How long is a month?
Two melted pillar candles away
Several thousand tears ago
One wounded tree ago
Forty five sympathy cards ago
Ten plants ago
One memorial service ago
Numerous "the baby died" ago
Thirty plus sleepless nights ago
Endless hopes and dreams ago
Time no longer has a meaning
Just a reminder of the distance
Between you and I
Events mark the minutes
And sadness checks the hours
Anger announces the days
And pain declares the weeks
A simple month ago
The daffodils have bloomed and gone
Holding on for as long as they could
Reminding me of the moment.
I wish I could have then back
To grow forever in the yard
But all I have are memories
Of the bright yellow flowers
That speak to me of love.
Tonight, tonight is the first month date
The date a month ago when you began to be born
The date a month ago was your last day alive
Tomorrow is a month ago your birthday
A month ago I hear your heartbeat
A month ago I held you tenderly
A month ago I saw your face for the first time
A month ago I said goodbye
My life ended a month ago
My heart broke a month ago
My world stopped making sense
A month ago
How long is a month?
Two melted pillar candles away
Several thousand tears ago
One wounded tree ago
Forty five sympathy cards ago
Ten plants ago
One memorial service ago
Numerous "the baby died" ago
Thirty plus sleepless nights ago
Endless hopes and dreams ago
Time no longer has a meaning
Just a reminder of the distance
Between you and I
Events mark the minutes
And sadness checks the hours
Anger announces the days
And pain declares the weeks
A simple month ago
The daffodils have bloomed and gone
Holding on for as long as they could
Reminding me of the moment.
I wish I could have then back
To grow forever in the yard
But all I have are memories
Of the bright yellow flowers
That speak to me of love.
The Tears That Touch My Face
The Tears That Touch My Face
The tears that touch my face
Come at such odd times, strange
Writing reports that have nothing
To do with you or your life
Unbidden they fall spreading
The dampness cools the skin
As the breeze lightly caresses
Reminding me of you
The tears that touch my face
Fall from the one I adore
Grief encapsulated in drops
Flowing wildly and freely
Shared moments and sobs
Remembering and mourning
Each drop a piece of loss
Entering the world of love
The tears that touch my face
Brought from the support and love
That friends and family have
In sympathy and understanding
Calms my aching heart for a time
And reassures me that life resumes
Bringing honor and respect to
One so small and precious
Tears can do so much good
And connect us in our soul
The tears that touch my face
Come at such odd times, strange
Writing reports that have nothing
To do with you or your life
Unbidden they fall spreading
The dampness cools the skin
As the breeze lightly caresses
Reminding me of you
The tears that touch my face
Fall from the one I adore
Grief encapsulated in drops
Flowing wildly and freely
Shared moments and sobs
Remembering and mourning
Each drop a piece of loss
Entering the world of love
The tears that touch my face
Brought from the support and love
That friends and family have
In sympathy and understanding
Calms my aching heart for a time
And reassures me that life resumes
Bringing honor and respect to
One so small and precious
Tears can do so much good
And connect us in our soul
The Hand
The Hand
I reach out my hand and the shaking begins
The physician has just delivered another's healthy baby
The chill runs through me as I stop my hand
Before touching his, Repulsion
Wake me from this dream
I reach out my hand and the shaking begins
The physician has just delivered another's healthy baby
The chill runs through me as I stop my hand
Before touching his, Repulsion
Wake me from this dream
Words Are Too Shallow
Words Are Too Shallow
I see the way he entered our lives
The joys and thrills that we felt
The clown outfit we bought for almost nothing
The Noah's Ark shelf
The Noah's Ark nightlight
Just little things all over our lives
Do you know just how much he means to me
He are my only son
He bears my name
He were handsome in your young form
He are a part of me even now
The feelings that I have are so real
I, of course feel sad, and angry
But I also feel proud, and in awe
I have happiness and joy
My feelings range across the spectrum
Today I have been numb and depressed
And enthused, and compassionate
The ironic part of this is that
None of the words above can capture
What it is that I feel
Words are too shallow, too light
They are shorthand to try and explain
To another a sample of the workings internal
I can't take you there, I can't show you in words
I can't show you at all, but in reflection in dim light
Can you explain your joy or sadness in our life?
What color is the happiness you find?
I find things around my life that remind me of him
And try and convey them to you
I wish I could let you see through my eyes
I see the way he entered our lives
The joys and thrills that we felt
The clown outfit we bought for almost nothing
The Noah's Ark shelf
The Noah's Ark nightlight
Just little things all over our lives
Do you know just how much he means to me
He are my only son
He bears my name
He were handsome in your young form
He are a part of me even now
The feelings that I have are so real
I, of course feel sad, and angry
But I also feel proud, and in awe
I have happiness and joy
My feelings range across the spectrum
Today I have been numb and depressed
And enthused, and compassionate
The ironic part of this is that
None of the words above can capture
What it is that I feel
Words are too shallow, too light
They are shorthand to try and explain
To another a sample of the workings internal
I can't take you there, I can't show you in words
I can't show you at all, but in reflection in dim light
Can you explain your joy or sadness in our life?
What color is the happiness you find?
I find things around my life that remind me of him
And try and convey them to you
I wish I could let you see through my eyes
The Trees
The Trees
I bless the tree in honor of the pain I am to inflict
It gives it's strength to let me vent
The tender green leaves of the wilted flowers
Shatter as the hardwood handle slices through
Again and again
Leaves flying asunder
Again and again, not enough
The tree begins to quiver as the handle impacts the bark
The pieces of the tree fly wildly
The handle cracks in a massive strike
Flip the piece and strike again
The end is flung to the tulip bed
Thwack
Thwack
The vibrations travel through my body
The second tree comes into view
Wound it, Strike it
Main it, Hurt it
The handle is replaced with the blade
The tree absorbs the cut
And the wood is laid bare
More bark is send this way and that
Strike with the hammer end
The sound reverberates in the solid wood
Of the pine tree
Again and again
Rest
Thank the trees for their sacrifice and
The honor they afford you son
The anger is less, but still present
And the strength is from the trees
I bless the tree in honor of the pain I am to inflict
It gives it's strength to let me vent
The tender green leaves of the wilted flowers
Shatter as the hardwood handle slices through
Again and again
Leaves flying asunder
Again and again, not enough
The tree begins to quiver as the handle impacts the bark
The pieces of the tree fly wildly
The handle cracks in a massive strike
Flip the piece and strike again
The end is flung to the tulip bed
Thwack
Thwack
The vibrations travel through my body
The second tree comes into view
Wound it, Strike it
Main it, Hurt it
The handle is replaced with the blade
The tree absorbs the cut
And the wood is laid bare
More bark is send this way and that
Strike with the hammer end
The sound reverberates in the solid wood
Of the pine tree
Again and again
Rest
Thank the trees for their sacrifice and
The honor they afford you son
The anger is less, but still present
And the strength is from the trees
A Friend When Needed
A Friend When Needed
Hello my friend, thanks for being here
I have counted on you many days
And thanked God so many times
For your understanding and compassion
You did not try and advise me how to grieve
But sat still and cried with me
You did not try and resolve you agenda
But you moved with me as I resolved mine
You called my son by name
And you said you were sorry he was gone
You stuck it out even as others faded away
With their so called support
You asked how my wife and I were doing
Acknowledging my pain as well as my wife's
I watch as tears run down your cheeks as you read
Poems that catch one tenth the pain I feel
The tears of grief that you are feeling with me
The courage to extend one's self into pain
Marks the noble quality in your soul
For it is not your loss, but yet you choose to share it
Wading through the mire with me, gentle support
In a world where the faster the better
You took it slow and easy and didn't rush
My son would have liked you, and as he watches
I am sure he is pleased. That you have helped
His father in the most trying of times
The words Thank you just can't convey
The depth of gratitude that I feel for the
Friendship you have bestowed upon me
I may never get the chance to say all that
My heart and soul are feeling
But I wanted to let you know that
You are appreciated, God Bless you friend
Hello my friend, thanks for being here
I have counted on you many days
And thanked God so many times
For your understanding and compassion
You did not try and advise me how to grieve
But sat still and cried with me
You did not try and resolve you agenda
But you moved with me as I resolved mine
You called my son by name
And you said you were sorry he was gone
You stuck it out even as others faded away
With their so called support
You asked how my wife and I were doing
Acknowledging my pain as well as my wife's
I watch as tears run down your cheeks as you read
Poems that catch one tenth the pain I feel
The tears of grief that you are feeling with me
The courage to extend one's self into pain
Marks the noble quality in your soul
For it is not your loss, but yet you choose to share it
Wading through the mire with me, gentle support
In a world where the faster the better
You took it slow and easy and didn't rush
My son would have liked you, and as he watches
I am sure he is pleased. That you have helped
His father in the most trying of times
The words Thank you just can't convey
The depth of gratitude that I feel for the
Friendship you have bestowed upon me
I may never get the chance to say all that
My heart and soul are feeling
But I wanted to let you know that
You are appreciated, God Bless you friend
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