Wednesday, February 25, 2009
This Blog
My son died on March 10th, 1999. He was 20 weeks old and did not survive the birth process. In coping with my grief, I wrote 30 days of poems. I have included them in this blog.
A Month Ago
A Month Ago
Tonight, tonight is the first month date
The date a month ago when you began to be born
The date a month ago was your last day alive
Tomorrow is a month ago your birthday
A month ago I hear your heartbeat
A month ago I held you tenderly
A month ago I saw your face for the first time
A month ago I said goodbye
My life ended a month ago
My heart broke a month ago
My world stopped making sense
A month ago
How long is a month?
Two melted pillar candles away
Several thousand tears ago
One wounded tree ago
Forty five sympathy cards ago
Ten plants ago
One memorial service ago
Numerous "the baby died" ago
Thirty plus sleepless nights ago
Endless hopes and dreams ago
Time no longer has a meaning
Just a reminder of the distance
Between you and I
Events mark the minutes
And sadness checks the hours
Anger announces the days
And pain declares the weeks
A simple month ago
The daffodils have bloomed and gone
Holding on for as long as they could
Reminding me of the moment.
I wish I could have then back
To grow forever in the yard
But all I have are memories
Of the bright yellow flowers
That speak to me of love.
Tonight, tonight is the first month date
The date a month ago when you began to be born
The date a month ago was your last day alive
Tomorrow is a month ago your birthday
A month ago I hear your heartbeat
A month ago I held you tenderly
A month ago I saw your face for the first time
A month ago I said goodbye
My life ended a month ago
My heart broke a month ago
My world stopped making sense
A month ago
How long is a month?
Two melted pillar candles away
Several thousand tears ago
One wounded tree ago
Forty five sympathy cards ago
Ten plants ago
One memorial service ago
Numerous "the baby died" ago
Thirty plus sleepless nights ago
Endless hopes and dreams ago
Time no longer has a meaning
Just a reminder of the distance
Between you and I
Events mark the minutes
And sadness checks the hours
Anger announces the days
And pain declares the weeks
A simple month ago
The daffodils have bloomed and gone
Holding on for as long as they could
Reminding me of the moment.
I wish I could have then back
To grow forever in the yard
But all I have are memories
Of the bright yellow flowers
That speak to me of love.
The Tears That Touch My Face
The Tears That Touch My Face
The tears that touch my face
Come at such odd times, strange
Writing reports that have nothing
To do with you or your life
Unbidden they fall spreading
The dampness cools the skin
As the breeze lightly caresses
Reminding me of you
The tears that touch my face
Fall from the one I adore
Grief encapsulated in drops
Flowing wildly and freely
Shared moments and sobs
Remembering and mourning
Each drop a piece of loss
Entering the world of love
The tears that touch my face
Brought from the support and love
That friends and family have
In sympathy and understanding
Calms my aching heart for a time
And reassures me that life resumes
Bringing honor and respect to
One so small and precious
Tears can do so much good
And connect us in our soul
The tears that touch my face
Come at such odd times, strange
Writing reports that have nothing
To do with you or your life
Unbidden they fall spreading
The dampness cools the skin
As the breeze lightly caresses
Reminding me of you
The tears that touch my face
Fall from the one I adore
Grief encapsulated in drops
Flowing wildly and freely
Shared moments and sobs
Remembering and mourning
Each drop a piece of loss
Entering the world of love
The tears that touch my face
Brought from the support and love
That friends and family have
In sympathy and understanding
Calms my aching heart for a time
And reassures me that life resumes
Bringing honor and respect to
One so small and precious
Tears can do so much good
And connect us in our soul
The Hand
The Hand
I reach out my hand and the shaking begins
The physician has just delivered another's healthy baby
The chill runs through me as I stop my hand
Before touching his, Repulsion
Wake me from this dream
I reach out my hand and the shaking begins
The physician has just delivered another's healthy baby
The chill runs through me as I stop my hand
Before touching his, Repulsion
Wake me from this dream
Words Are Too Shallow
Words Are Too Shallow
I see the way he entered our lives
The joys and thrills that we felt
The clown outfit we bought for almost nothing
The Noah's Ark shelf
The Noah's Ark nightlight
Just little things all over our lives
Do you know just how much he means to me
He are my only son
He bears my name
He were handsome in your young form
He are a part of me even now
The feelings that I have are so real
I, of course feel sad, and angry
But I also feel proud, and in awe
I have happiness and joy
My feelings range across the spectrum
Today I have been numb and depressed
And enthused, and compassionate
The ironic part of this is that
None of the words above can capture
What it is that I feel
Words are too shallow, too light
They are shorthand to try and explain
To another a sample of the workings internal
I can't take you there, I can't show you in words
I can't show you at all, but in reflection in dim light
Can you explain your joy or sadness in our life?
What color is the happiness you find?
I find things around my life that remind me of him
And try and convey them to you
I wish I could let you see through my eyes
I see the way he entered our lives
The joys and thrills that we felt
The clown outfit we bought for almost nothing
The Noah's Ark shelf
The Noah's Ark nightlight
Just little things all over our lives
Do you know just how much he means to me
He are my only son
He bears my name
He were handsome in your young form
He are a part of me even now
The feelings that I have are so real
I, of course feel sad, and angry
But I also feel proud, and in awe
I have happiness and joy
My feelings range across the spectrum
Today I have been numb and depressed
And enthused, and compassionate
The ironic part of this is that
None of the words above can capture
What it is that I feel
Words are too shallow, too light
They are shorthand to try and explain
To another a sample of the workings internal
I can't take you there, I can't show you in words
I can't show you at all, but in reflection in dim light
Can you explain your joy or sadness in our life?
What color is the happiness you find?
I find things around my life that remind me of him
And try and convey them to you
I wish I could let you see through my eyes
The Trees
The Trees
I bless the tree in honor of the pain I am to inflict
It gives it's strength to let me vent
The tender green leaves of the wilted flowers
Shatter as the hardwood handle slices through
Again and again
Leaves flying asunder
Again and again, not enough
The tree begins to quiver as the handle impacts the bark
The pieces of the tree fly wildly
The handle cracks in a massive strike
Flip the piece and strike again
The end is flung to the tulip bed
Thwack
Thwack
The vibrations travel through my body
The second tree comes into view
Wound it, Strike it
Main it, Hurt it
The handle is replaced with the blade
The tree absorbs the cut
And the wood is laid bare
More bark is send this way and that
Strike with the hammer end
The sound reverberates in the solid wood
Of the pine tree
Again and again
Rest
Thank the trees for their sacrifice and
The honor they afford you son
The anger is less, but still present
And the strength is from the trees
I bless the tree in honor of the pain I am to inflict
It gives it's strength to let me vent
The tender green leaves of the wilted flowers
Shatter as the hardwood handle slices through
Again and again
Leaves flying asunder
Again and again, not enough
The tree begins to quiver as the handle impacts the bark
The pieces of the tree fly wildly
The handle cracks in a massive strike
Flip the piece and strike again
The end is flung to the tulip bed
Thwack
Thwack
The vibrations travel through my body
The second tree comes into view
Wound it, Strike it
Main it, Hurt it
The handle is replaced with the blade
The tree absorbs the cut
And the wood is laid bare
More bark is send this way and that
Strike with the hammer end
The sound reverberates in the solid wood
Of the pine tree
Again and again
Rest
Thank the trees for their sacrifice and
The honor they afford you son
The anger is less, but still present
And the strength is from the trees
A Friend When Needed
A Friend When Needed
Hello my friend, thanks for being here
I have counted on you many days
And thanked God so many times
For your understanding and compassion
You did not try and advise me how to grieve
But sat still and cried with me
You did not try and resolve you agenda
But you moved with me as I resolved mine
You called my son by name
And you said you were sorry he was gone
You stuck it out even as others faded away
With their so called support
You asked how my wife and I were doing
Acknowledging my pain as well as my wife's
I watch as tears run down your cheeks as you read
Poems that catch one tenth the pain I feel
The tears of grief that you are feeling with me
The courage to extend one's self into pain
Marks the noble quality in your soul
For it is not your loss, but yet you choose to share it
Wading through the mire with me, gentle support
In a world where the faster the better
You took it slow and easy and didn't rush
My son would have liked you, and as he watches
I am sure he is pleased. That you have helped
His father in the most trying of times
The words Thank you just can't convey
The depth of gratitude that I feel for the
Friendship you have bestowed upon me
I may never get the chance to say all that
My heart and soul are feeling
But I wanted to let you know that
You are appreciated, God Bless you friend
Hello my friend, thanks for being here
I have counted on you many days
And thanked God so many times
For your understanding and compassion
You did not try and advise me how to grieve
But sat still and cried with me
You did not try and resolve you agenda
But you moved with me as I resolved mine
You called my son by name
And you said you were sorry he was gone
You stuck it out even as others faded away
With their so called support
You asked how my wife and I were doing
Acknowledging my pain as well as my wife's
I watch as tears run down your cheeks as you read
Poems that catch one tenth the pain I feel
The tears of grief that you are feeling with me
The courage to extend one's self into pain
Marks the noble quality in your soul
For it is not your loss, but yet you choose to share it
Wading through the mire with me, gentle support
In a world where the faster the better
You took it slow and easy and didn't rush
My son would have liked you, and as he watches
I am sure he is pleased. That you have helped
His father in the most trying of times
The words Thank you just can't convey
The depth of gratitude that I feel for the
Friendship you have bestowed upon me
I may never get the chance to say all that
My heart and soul are feeling
But I wanted to let you know that
You are appreciated, God Bless you friend
The Balance
The Balance
There are moments now when I laugh
I enjoy a good joke, much like before
I like to look at flowers and the birth of plants new
I marvel at the birds singing to each other
The way the green buds of the trees
Sway in the breeze
I look at children laughing and playing
The cutest children giggling and laughing
How can I be sad in the face of such joy
The children look at me almost with a
Knowing gaze, piercing my soul
I march my eyes across the heavens
Seeing stars and planets move
Ever reminded that the world is changing
I know that things evolve and grow
And that I will also, as time goes on,
Return to my sense of humor
Wonderment and excitement in life
You might think that grief is always sad
And oft times it is
But it is like life, a balance of
Happy and sad, anger and joy
The pain rules in the beginning
But can not hold the wall against
Joyful sunshine and eternal love
There are moments now when I laugh
I enjoy a good joke, much like before
I like to look at flowers and the birth of plants new
I marvel at the birds singing to each other
The way the green buds of the trees
Sway in the breeze
I look at children laughing and playing
The cutest children giggling and laughing
How can I be sad in the face of such joy
The children look at me almost with a
Knowing gaze, piercing my soul
I march my eyes across the heavens
Seeing stars and planets move
Ever reminded that the world is changing
I know that things evolve and grow
And that I will also, as time goes on,
Return to my sense of humor
Wonderment and excitement in life
You might think that grief is always sad
And oft times it is
But it is like life, a balance of
Happy and sad, anger and joy
The pain rules in the beginning
But can not hold the wall against
Joyful sunshine and eternal love
At the Precipice of Life
At the Precipice of Life
The avalanche of memories have roared over me
One thought connecting to another from long ago
The many times I have felt hopeless in the face of life
Often times feeling helpless to change
Praying for relief and comfort
Yet, finding only the briar filled path ahead
I have been here on this path before and hated it
I don't like the sharp edges and mangled vines
Two feet forward and stop, backup, and just wait
This action fails to produce the results for which it should
That action completely backfires
I feel like sitting down and stopping, just waste away
Why go forward if I will be back here again
Why grieve to be able to grieve another time
Over a different loss
Each loss is different and each is the same
What is it that I must do?
Define the purpose of this trial.
Tear the heart from my chest
Send me to grieve and mourn
And then tear my repaired heart out
And send back to grieve more
The sun loses its brilliance with each return
Grief kills my happiness and I can't mourn that
At the precipice of life, I remain waiting
Feet immobile in the ground, rooted in my faith
I understand the line "take this cup for I dare not drink it's poison"
I want to give up and can't give up, Helpless
The avalanche of memories have roared over me
One thought connecting to another from long ago
The many times I have felt hopeless in the face of life
Often times feeling helpless to change
Praying for relief and comfort
Yet, finding only the briar filled path ahead
I have been here on this path before and hated it
I don't like the sharp edges and mangled vines
Two feet forward and stop, backup, and just wait
This action fails to produce the results for which it should
That action completely backfires
I feel like sitting down and stopping, just waste away
Why go forward if I will be back here again
Why grieve to be able to grieve another time
Over a different loss
Each loss is different and each is the same
What is it that I must do?
Define the purpose of this trial.
Tear the heart from my chest
Send me to grieve and mourn
And then tear my repaired heart out
And send back to grieve more
The sun loses its brilliance with each return
Grief kills my happiness and I can't mourn that
At the precipice of life, I remain waiting
Feet immobile in the ground, rooted in my faith
I understand the line "take this cup for I dare not drink it's poison"
I want to give up and can't give up, Helpless
The Flowers
The Flowers
Today the flowers flashed
Their brilliant colors to me
Happy in the specter of the
Sunshine
The air gently caressed
My soul
Warming the deepest canyon
Of my pain
There is a lifting, ever so
Briefly
From the torment that
Haunts me day and night
I embrace this happiness
Like a kiss from a loved one
Special and precious
A gift given unconditionally
I can go forward, knowing that
There will be moments of
Relief and ease from my pain
Simply looking at flowers
I planted a tub of wildflowers
Just to watch them grow
To see the miracle of life
Spring forth once more
When will my journey end and
What will I learn along the way?
I don't care, for amidst the tears
Are watered daffodils
Today the flowers flashed
Their brilliant colors to me
Happy in the specter of the
Sunshine
The air gently caressed
My soul
Warming the deepest canyon
Of my pain
There is a lifting, ever so
Briefly
From the torment that
Haunts me day and night
I embrace this happiness
Like a kiss from a loved one
Special and precious
A gift given unconditionally
I can go forward, knowing that
There will be moments of
Relief and ease from my pain
Simply looking at flowers
I planted a tub of wildflowers
Just to watch them grow
To see the miracle of life
Spring forth once more
When will my journey end and
What will I learn along the way?
I don't care, for amidst the tears
Are watered daffodils
The Goal of Faith
The Goal of Faith
What is the goal of faith
I don't want streets of gold
Or diamond encrusted anything
I would be happy in a field
Of grass in the cool of spring
What is the goal of a relationship with God
So much I hear is me, me, me, me, me
I don't care to be rewarded
What needs do you have?
How can I in good conscience
Seek the treasures in Heaven
When others don't have here
I was once narrow sighted
When I thought that my faith
Was a personal connection with God
Then my son died, and I felt
The connection with God change
From a child to a father myself
My perspective became different
Would I want my son to focus
Solely on me, or towards others?
So in my connection to God
Would God want me to focus
Solely on him, or on helping others?
What is the goal of faith
I don't want streets of gold
Or diamond encrusted anything
I would be happy in a field
Of grass in the cool of spring
What is the goal of a relationship with God
So much I hear is me, me, me, me, me
I don't care to be rewarded
What needs do you have?
How can I in good conscience
Seek the treasures in Heaven
When others don't have here
I was once narrow sighted
When I thought that my faith
Was a personal connection with God
Then my son died, and I felt
The connection with God change
From a child to a father myself
My perspective became different
Would I want my son to focus
Solely on me, or towards others?
So in my connection to God
Would God want me to focus
Solely on him, or on helping others?
What does love look like?
What does love look like?
What does my son look like in Heaven?
Some have said he is an angel
And some have said not he is higher than them
Yet I wonder how he appears now in the spirit
How does the form change in death and rebirth?
I can imagine he is in the form of light
And also, I can picture him as a baby being nurtured
The father in me hopes he is strong and handsome
In what ever form he takes
How will I recognize him when I go?
Tell me how he appears so I can find him then
I try and imagine what I will look like in spirit
I remember that who I was when I was young
Is the same sense of me now, is that the soul?
What does love look like?
What does my son look like in Heaven?
Some have said he is an angel
And some have said not he is higher than them
Yet I wonder how he appears now in the spirit
How does the form change in death and rebirth?
I can imagine he is in the form of light
And also, I can picture him as a baby being nurtured
The father in me hopes he is strong and handsome
In what ever form he takes
How will I recognize him when I go?
Tell me how he appears so I can find him then
I try and imagine what I will look like in spirit
I remember that who I was when I was young
Is the same sense of me now, is that the soul?
What does love look like?
Helpless
Helpless
I have become helpless in the face of this grief
The awareness that my actions will come to naught
This a pain in the core of my soul and my heart
Reconsidering the things that I have wrought
I must have failed in my protection and care
I have let down my scared duty to keep him from damage
Yet I don't know what it was that I did or didn't do
This betrayal of trust has caused my soul to forage
I search my being for the moment when I let my son down
I have looked in every corner and every crevice about
The event is elusive and hidden from my sight and reason
How can I gain forgiveness when I am filled with such doubt
This is a man's private domain, this personal hell. Burning within
Like statues of stone the man goes on, constantly watchful again
For the unexpected moment when he can act to prevent a failure
All the while hiding the torment, the shame, and the pain
I give up my striving for the kingdom, the blessings of the Father
I don't deserve the kindness, or riches that are so oft promised
There is nothing that can compare to this feeling that is within me
I wish only that the moment could return to my son uncompromised
I would give my life oh Lord, for that moment to be returned
The single moment that would be needed to save my son
My life has been lived, but his was just beginning, how's that fair?
My love is for you, Father. I don't understand, but Thy will be done
Help me today to be ever watchful, and alert for the next moment.
I have become helpless in the face of this grief
The awareness that my actions will come to naught
This a pain in the core of my soul and my heart
Reconsidering the things that I have wrought
I must have failed in my protection and care
I have let down my scared duty to keep him from damage
Yet I don't know what it was that I did or didn't do
This betrayal of trust has caused my soul to forage
I search my being for the moment when I let my son down
I have looked in every corner and every crevice about
The event is elusive and hidden from my sight and reason
How can I gain forgiveness when I am filled with such doubt
This is a man's private domain, this personal hell. Burning within
Like statues of stone the man goes on, constantly watchful again
For the unexpected moment when he can act to prevent a failure
All the while hiding the torment, the shame, and the pain
I give up my striving for the kingdom, the blessings of the Father
I don't deserve the kindness, or riches that are so oft promised
There is nothing that can compare to this feeling that is within me
I wish only that the moment could return to my son uncompromised
I would give my life oh Lord, for that moment to be returned
The single moment that would be needed to save my son
My life has been lived, but his was just beginning, how's that fair?
My love is for you, Father. I don't understand, but Thy will be done
Help me today to be ever watchful, and alert for the next moment.
Son
Son
I hadn't really connected to the word
Son
Till tonight. Looking at a picture
And the sticker underneath that said
Son
I had announced that I was a father
And that you were a boy
But the reality is wordless
Except to say
Son
I had a child
I had a SON
A boy
My boy
He wasn't just a baby
He was a son
He had a place, a role, a destiny
I isn't the hopes that have failed
It isn't the gender role that is unfulfilled
My flesh and blood within my hands
Belonging , a part of something that’s larger
Than me. It included my
Son
That child is from me. He lived because of me
He and I were one, even if we never saw each other
I to I
I look and see. I honor with my gaze
I am so very proud of him
He did not have to suffer and die
He made it through the transition.
I am proud of my son. He was MY son
He wasn't Joe or Jim's or Harry's son
He was Mahlon David's Son
He is dead, and I miss him
I love him so very much
As I am proud of him
So I not strive to make sure
he is proud of me
Always let it be remembered
That Chandler Mahlon was the
Son of Mahlon David
Honor him and you will honor me
Father of my son
I hadn't really connected to the word
Son
Till tonight. Looking at a picture
And the sticker underneath that said
Son
I had announced that I was a father
And that you were a boy
But the reality is wordless
Except to say
Son
I had a child
I had a SON
A boy
My boy
He wasn't just a baby
He was a son
He had a place, a role, a destiny
I isn't the hopes that have failed
It isn't the gender role that is unfulfilled
My flesh and blood within my hands
Belonging , a part of something that’s larger
Than me. It included my
Son
That child is from me. He lived because of me
He and I were one, even if we never saw each other
I to I
I look and see. I honor with my gaze
I am so very proud of him
He did not have to suffer and die
He made it through the transition.
I am proud of my son. He was MY son
He wasn't Joe or Jim's or Harry's son
He was Mahlon David's Son
He is dead, and I miss him
I love him so very much
As I am proud of him
So I not strive to make sure
he is proud of me
Always let it be remembered
That Chandler Mahlon was the
Son of Mahlon David
Honor him and you will honor me
Father of my son
How's the baby?
How's the baby?
I gave you a giant hug for a friend missed
You asked how's the baby?
The world stops
You don't know do you?
How do I say it this time?
How will you respond?
Shall I be blunt?
The baby died.
Maybe we have lost the baby
Where? Can we find it?
The baby perished as a result of the interaction….
How should I tell you?
It hurts to see the expression change
From happy and enthused
To the look that says the loss
Has left you wordless and confused
That is not the legacy that my son
Should bring to others
I want him to bring the smile and laughter
The bounce of life abundant
The hope of the future wrapped up
In a little boy
Instead his life brings grief and hurt
At the mention of his name
Is it uncomfortable to you?
Let me say as the father of that
Little boy, my little man
He was the most beautiful baby
In my hands, across the land
His kicks were strong
His reaction to my voice predictable
His days were filled with love
And warmth, nurtured by the mother
His death was a shock, a tragedy
The tears have flowed and soaked
The pillows and shirts and tissues
But the love we shared will last
A lifetime.
I guess you haven't heard
Our baby died.
I gave you a giant hug for a friend missed
You asked how's the baby?
The world stops
You don't know do you?
How do I say it this time?
How will you respond?
Shall I be blunt?
The baby died.
Maybe we have lost the baby
Where? Can we find it?
The baby perished as a result of the interaction….
How should I tell you?
It hurts to see the expression change
From happy and enthused
To the look that says the loss
Has left you wordless and confused
That is not the legacy that my son
Should bring to others
I want him to bring the smile and laughter
The bounce of life abundant
The hope of the future wrapped up
In a little boy
Instead his life brings grief and hurt
At the mention of his name
Is it uncomfortable to you?
Let me say as the father of that
Little boy, my little man
He was the most beautiful baby
In my hands, across the land
His kicks were strong
His reaction to my voice predictable
His days were filled with love
And warmth, nurtured by the mother
His death was a shock, a tragedy
The tears have flowed and soaked
The pillows and shirts and tissues
But the love we shared will last
A lifetime.
I guess you haven't heard
Our baby died.
The Bear
The Bear
When I held you so tiny, so small
Fragile you rested in my hands
I was afraid I would break you
I moved like carrying a feather
That would blow away at the
Slightest breeze
You are gone now and yet
That memory of your size
Lingers on. In a small blue
Bear shaped rattle. Just your size
In the palm of my hand
I held that bear today and tears fell
Across my crowded desk
Behind the closed door
At work, alone with your memory
Just a minute that seemed forever
We touch in soul again
I miss you my dear son
And no stuffed animal can compare
To my desire to hold you and love you
Forever and evermore
I have to go back to work now
And put you memory on hold
I have to fulfill my obligations
And keep the family whole
Will you forgive me for
For putting work first.
I do it only for the workday
And leave it at the door
But I have to work and
Can't sit and reminisce
About the moments that
I was with you
The bear sits watching
From atop the rack of books
Ever mindful of the child
That it represents. I think
About you often as I work
Through ever day
Keeping the honor going
As I do this for your sake
When I held you so tiny, so small
Fragile you rested in my hands
I was afraid I would break you
I moved like carrying a feather
That would blow away at the
Slightest breeze
You are gone now and yet
That memory of your size
Lingers on. In a small blue
Bear shaped rattle. Just your size
In the palm of my hand
I held that bear today and tears fell
Across my crowded desk
Behind the closed door
At work, alone with your memory
Just a minute that seemed forever
We touch in soul again
I miss you my dear son
And no stuffed animal can compare
To my desire to hold you and love you
Forever and evermore
I have to go back to work now
And put you memory on hold
I have to fulfill my obligations
And keep the family whole
Will you forgive me for
For putting work first.
I do it only for the workday
And leave it at the door
But I have to work and
Can't sit and reminisce
About the moments that
I was with you
The bear sits watching
From atop the rack of books
Ever mindful of the child
That it represents. I think
About you often as I work
Through ever day
Keeping the honor going
As I do this for your sake
My son, your brother
My son, your brother
I don't know how to say it
The feeling that I have
The son I wanted is dead
And you are my wife's child
I try not to resent that
And I am not angry at you
I loathe the current situation
And miss the child I was to hold
I see you hug your mother
Comfort and concern
I know it is because you love her
At least that is what you said
And my child is contained
Within a bronze box
Never will he hug me
Never say I love you dad
It is not fair for me to be jealous
When I see the other parents
Stroll with the children that lived
I should be grateful they are not in pain
But anger wells within me
Why was my son the one to die?
How will I comfort and nurture a baby
When he is not there for me?
My arms are empty of the love
I sought and waited on
Who could ever replace that person
No one
So when I look a little funny, sad and down
Know that I am in process
Of grieving my little one
I don't mean you any pain
I appreciate you hugs and kind words
They calm the rougher tides inside
Reminding me that I am loved
By more than the one who died
Can I give you a hug to show I know
And can I get a hug to let me know you know
Together we can make it
As we remember together my son
And your brother.
I don't know how to say it
The feeling that I have
The son I wanted is dead
And you are my wife's child
I try not to resent that
And I am not angry at you
I loathe the current situation
And miss the child I was to hold
I see you hug your mother
Comfort and concern
I know it is because you love her
At least that is what you said
And my child is contained
Within a bronze box
Never will he hug me
Never say I love you dad
It is not fair for me to be jealous
When I see the other parents
Stroll with the children that lived
I should be grateful they are not in pain
But anger wells within me
Why was my son the one to die?
How will I comfort and nurture a baby
When he is not there for me?
My arms are empty of the love
I sought and waited on
Who could ever replace that person
No one
So when I look a little funny, sad and down
Know that I am in process
Of grieving my little one
I don't mean you any pain
I appreciate you hugs and kind words
They calm the rougher tides inside
Reminding me that I am loved
By more than the one who died
Can I give you a hug to show I know
And can I get a hug to let me know you know
Together we can make it
As we remember together my son
And your brother.
Footprints around our heart
Footprints around our heart
With tiny little footprints
Of steps not yet taken
By a child not yet born
Love was cast in me
You came into our life
Silently and had to be discovered
First game of hide and go seek
We found you
We danced and giggled
Planed and debated the nest
We would build for you
Within our humble home
You reached out and touched us
Or maybe kicked is a better word
The interaction had begun and
Our hearts were soon invested
We anxiously looked for foot steps
And quietly listened for sounds
It was hard to hear, you were very tiny
Or your womb had good soundproofing
Then came the day you left us
Silently once again, never say a word
We were left with our dreams dashed
And footprints around our heart
With tiny little footprints
Of steps not yet taken
By a child not yet born
Love was cast in me
You came into our life
Silently and had to be discovered
First game of hide and go seek
We found you
We danced and giggled
Planed and debated the nest
We would build for you
Within our humble home
You reached out and touched us
Or maybe kicked is a better word
The interaction had begun and
Our hearts were soon invested
We anxiously looked for foot steps
And quietly listened for sounds
It was hard to hear, you were very tiny
Or your womb had good soundproofing
Then came the day you left us
Silently once again, never say a word
We were left with our dreams dashed
And footprints around our heart
I wish I had your footprints
I wish I had your footprints
I wish I had your footprints
To remind me of you
I wish I had some handprints
That would make me remember
You were too small
The nurses couldn't get them
So all we have are pictures
That we took that day
Now little inky smears
Though hardly recognizable
Would be preferable
To nothing
At least I would know you existed
In tangible form
Set down on paper
On the day you were born
So now I have someone's footprints
On a stamp bought today
The emotions ran rampant
As I made the first impression
I wish those where yours
I heard myself saying
As the tears began to flow
Quickly I wiped them away
Before anyone would know
Upon the piece of paper
Where the first marks were made
I wrote a simple line
To help me express my pain
"Gone, but not forgotten"
simple works that is true
But these stamped footprints
Remind me of you.
I wish I had your footprints
To remind me of you
I wish I had some handprints
That would make me remember
You were too small
The nurses couldn't get them
So all we have are pictures
That we took that day
Now little inky smears
Though hardly recognizable
Would be preferable
To nothing
At least I would know you existed
In tangible form
Set down on paper
On the day you were born
So now I have someone's footprints
On a stamp bought today
The emotions ran rampant
As I made the first impression
I wish those where yours
I heard myself saying
As the tears began to flow
Quickly I wiped them away
Before anyone would know
Upon the piece of paper
Where the first marks were made
I wrote a simple line
To help me express my pain
"Gone, but not forgotten"
simple works that is true
But these stamped footprints
Remind me of you.
Recoil
Recoil
It hurts when it happens, the look, and way you turn your head
The reaction to the words I am saying to tell you of my son
I can tell you are uneasy, that the ideas and thoughts are hard
And rather than hurt my feelings, you try and wait it through
I am so sorry that the words have touched a chord, a place
I see it in your face, and I know you care, and that you want to love
The sheer emotions are just too raw, electric and fearful, dangerous
So as you ever so gently recoil, my compassion for you grows
It is not a topic that I want to discuss, nor share today or tomorrow
I would rather have told you the pleasant things of a son's happy life
You were not to first to recoil, to be overcome with the horror
It hit me the night I was told he would die when he was born
Today I speak of the losses the way other parents speak in pride
Of the accomplishments that the child has fulfilled, go kids
I have but 20 short weeks of memories and no new ones are coming
But still I need to share my son with others to make him real in life
Oh God, if I could bring him back and share with you the bumps
The scrapes and the joys. To tell you of the Christmas morning and the fun
I want so bad, you will never know, to have those memories to talk about
And watch other's faces glow
My son is dead, and I am in pain. My question now that I must ask me
Is it you who is recoiling, or me reflected in you. So maybe for both of us
Allow the words to be, honor the short-lived child by listening to the story
Then I would be afraid to talk for fear of causing you pain. Thanks
It hurts when it happens, the look, and way you turn your head
The reaction to the words I am saying to tell you of my son
I can tell you are uneasy, that the ideas and thoughts are hard
And rather than hurt my feelings, you try and wait it through
I am so sorry that the words have touched a chord, a place
I see it in your face, and I know you care, and that you want to love
The sheer emotions are just too raw, electric and fearful, dangerous
So as you ever so gently recoil, my compassion for you grows
It is not a topic that I want to discuss, nor share today or tomorrow
I would rather have told you the pleasant things of a son's happy life
You were not to first to recoil, to be overcome with the horror
It hit me the night I was told he would die when he was born
Today I speak of the losses the way other parents speak in pride
Of the accomplishments that the child has fulfilled, go kids
I have but 20 short weeks of memories and no new ones are coming
But still I need to share my son with others to make him real in life
Oh God, if I could bring him back and share with you the bumps
The scrapes and the joys. To tell you of the Christmas morning and the fun
I want so bad, you will never know, to have those memories to talk about
And watch other's faces glow
My son is dead, and I am in pain. My question now that I must ask me
Is it you who is recoiling, or me reflected in you. So maybe for both of us
Allow the words to be, honor the short-lived child by listening to the story
Then I would be afraid to talk for fear of causing you pain. Thanks
No Tears
There aren't any tears in my eyes
I haven't gotten them flowing
What is wrong with me
I grieve but with dry eyes?
Tears are for others the
Physical representation of pain
How narrow a way of understanding
My loss of my son
I feel guilty for not giving them
The wet cheeks they need
To know that I am hurt
But still I am silent
Is it because I am a man
Hardened to the conditions
Of the unfair life I lead
That keeps the tears away
Ironic isn't it, that the pain I have
Is because I am a father
A father of a dead son
I really should cry
Is that what you need to know of my pain
Could you connect and comfort
If I sat on the floor and sobbed
Pouring my grief out to you
I can't produce the tears, but I hurt
Would you recognize my failed smile
The drained feeling and desire to hide
As expressions for my turmoil
How about if I smash glasses on the wall
Screaming and raving like a person possessed
Bent on destruction of material things
Letting my feelings flow
The simplest way to help is to ask
Show you care by caring how I am coping
Bypass the tears and anger
Then just listen for ten minutes and mean it
My tears are not water but ink
Poured out on paper for you to read
Each word helping me to adjust
To the death of my son.
I haven't gotten them flowing
What is wrong with me
I grieve but with dry eyes?
Tears are for others the
Physical representation of pain
How narrow a way of understanding
My loss of my son
I feel guilty for not giving them
The wet cheeks they need
To know that I am hurt
But still I am silent
Is it because I am a man
Hardened to the conditions
Of the unfair life I lead
That keeps the tears away
Ironic isn't it, that the pain I have
Is because I am a father
A father of a dead son
I really should cry
Is that what you need to know of my pain
Could you connect and comfort
If I sat on the floor and sobbed
Pouring my grief out to you
I can't produce the tears, but I hurt
Would you recognize my failed smile
The drained feeling and desire to hide
As expressions for my turmoil
How about if I smash glasses on the wall
Screaming and raving like a person possessed
Bent on destruction of material things
Letting my feelings flow
The simplest way to help is to ask
Show you care by caring how I am coping
Bypass the tears and anger
Then just listen for ten minutes and mean it
My tears are not water but ink
Poured out on paper for you to read
Each word helping me to adjust
To the death of my son.
I talked about you today
I talked about you today
To remind them that you lived
The listener tried to understand
That which was not to her
It felt good to mention your name
And know that others were aware
That you did live among us
But if for only a short time.
I checked the flowers today
The yellow daffodils
They are growing strong
And look so beautiful
I felt the pain of grief
In the pit of my core
As I realized that one
Of your mother's roses has died.
I thought of you today as
I imagined carving a box
Of walnut and cedar
To hold your precious items
I wished you happiness
Wherever you are
As I thought of the candles
Within a glass jar
I missed you today
I wanted to know you were here
But you're gone
But for the mention of your name
I will tell someone tomorrow
Of the love I have so true
As I try and help the listeners
Learn more about you
To remind them that you lived
The listener tried to understand
That which was not to her
It felt good to mention your name
And know that others were aware
That you did live among us
But if for only a short time.
I checked the flowers today
The yellow daffodils
They are growing strong
And look so beautiful
I felt the pain of grief
In the pit of my core
As I realized that one
Of your mother's roses has died.
I thought of you today as
I imagined carving a box
Of walnut and cedar
To hold your precious items
I wished you happiness
Wherever you are
As I thought of the candles
Within a glass jar
I missed you today
I wanted to know you were here
But you're gone
But for the mention of your name
I will tell someone tomorrow
Of the love I have so true
As I try and help the listeners
Learn more about you
Together on the Floor
That first cap I have bought him,
Anticipating the smile and hug when the day was through
The laughter and giggles to be shared when we played
Together on the floor
My plans to be the father that a son needed
Caring and strong , wise and understanding
Devoted to special times reading
Together on the floor
The day came early, too soon
Crisis and rescue of the mother
The tears, pain multiplying
Together on the floor
My son is gone, from ashes to ashes
Dull limping time with my companion
Hand in hand we bond as we walk
Together across the floor
How's my friend, is she better?
How's your wife, sister, daughter?
What can we do for her? To ensure she will carry again.
Together on the floor
To assuage the guilt of the unknowing
Check the mother fate, asking but not listening
Father forgotten, and assumptions made as they walk away
Together on the floor
My support has drifted away, fathers don't hurt
I had to move forward, care, support
A few friends cared. But my footsteps echo quietly
Together on the floor.
As a father I have become invisible
Never mattered, didn't count.
Mothers matter for all the pain and loss they endure
Together on the floor
My pain is invisible, oft unmentioned
Never asked about, and always hidden
What pain does a father endure due to the loss of a child
Together on the floor
One day my mortal self will cease
My joy and hope will be fulfilled
When my child and I will for the first time
Play together on the floor
Anticipating the smile and hug when the day was through
The laughter and giggles to be shared when we played
Together on the floor
My plans to be the father that a son needed
Caring and strong , wise and understanding
Devoted to special times reading
Together on the floor
The day came early, too soon
Crisis and rescue of the mother
The tears, pain multiplying
Together on the floor
My son is gone, from ashes to ashes
Dull limping time with my companion
Hand in hand we bond as we walk
Together across the floor
How's my friend, is she better?
How's your wife, sister, daughter?
What can we do for her? To ensure she will carry again.
Together on the floor
To assuage the guilt of the unknowing
Check the mother fate, asking but not listening
Father forgotten, and assumptions made as they walk away
Together on the floor
My support has drifted away, fathers don't hurt
I had to move forward, care, support
A few friends cared. But my footsteps echo quietly
Together on the floor.
As a father I have become invisible
Never mattered, didn't count.
Mothers matter for all the pain and loss they endure
Together on the floor
My pain is invisible, oft unmentioned
Never asked about, and always hidden
What pain does a father endure due to the loss of a child
Together on the floor
One day my mortal self will cease
My joy and hope will be fulfilled
When my child and I will for the first time
Play together on the floor
The Things That Were Important
I think back on all the things
We argued or disagreed on
The things we felt so important
Things that we had said and done
I held my opinion and you yours
Finding middle ground on some
Sometimes I would given in
And you did too.
Simple thing of disagreements
Where are they now?
Those things we held so important
Have faded and paled in the hours
Since our child has died
And we grieved midst the flowers
Why was it so important for me to
Have it my way
Just one more moment with him
To have here today
I would put aside my ego
Put aside my shame
To have him respond once
When I called his name.
In pain I have learned a lesson
A cost to high to bear
That things are not as important
As it is to really care
My son has gone forever
And I am left here alone
Reconsidering the things
I felt were important at home
I can't undue the past
Nor bring him back
I would give my life for him
And never take it back
But that's not my fate, my course
The path I walk each day
Is now very clear and poignant
To help others along the way
A simple gesture, a kindness done
Easing the burden of a fellow
This is the gift that my son gave to me
An easing of the anger to mellow
What does his death accomplish?
How can it be fair?
Questions without answers
And truths for which I care
We argued or disagreed on
The things we felt so important
Things that we had said and done
I held my opinion and you yours
Finding middle ground on some
Sometimes I would given in
And you did too.
Simple thing of disagreements
Where are they now?
Those things we held so important
Have faded and paled in the hours
Since our child has died
And we grieved midst the flowers
Why was it so important for me to
Have it my way
Just one more moment with him
To have here today
I would put aside my ego
Put aside my shame
To have him respond once
When I called his name.
In pain I have learned a lesson
A cost to high to bear
That things are not as important
As it is to really care
My son has gone forever
And I am left here alone
Reconsidering the things
I felt were important at home
I can't undue the past
Nor bring him back
I would give my life for him
And never take it back
But that's not my fate, my course
The path I walk each day
Is now very clear and poignant
To help others along the way
A simple gesture, a kindness done
Easing the burden of a fellow
This is the gift that my son gave to me
An easing of the anger to mellow
What does his death accomplish?
How can it be fair?
Questions without answers
And truths for which I care
Empty Containers
The empty containers sit on the speakers
Once holding full bouquets of flowers
Well meaning tokens of the thoughts
Of a family in tears
The flowers contained, the hopes of friends
Flowers cut from the root , dying
One by one the blossoms do fade, dropping
Surrendering to time
The containers now sit empty, piled together
The flowers have been discarded
The thoughts of the friends have withered
But the family is still in tears
While the world progresses and spins again
Time stands still in the family with tears
Pain slows the clock and their hearts
Longing for the child who is now apart
Those flowers were kind and thoughtful I guess
But they did little to heal the hearts in this mess
When the flowers are gone, the tears remain
And those empty containers remind us again
One Minute
Walking in the department store
Shopping and walking
I though about you
And I wanted just one minute
One minute to look in your eyes
One minute to hear you breathe
One minute to feel you move
One minute to say
I love you.
I would have even accepted less
One look
One breathe
One kick
I love you
My thoughts boiled down into
The simplest of sets
How long is a minute
The next sixty seconds
An eternity, forever
And beyond the heavens
When you died
I wonder now when you
had your last minute, what
did you wish for?
A breath?
A look ?
A hug?
And I love you
Shopping and walking
I though about you
And I wanted just one minute
One minute to look in your eyes
One minute to hear you breathe
One minute to feel you move
One minute to say
I love you.
I would have even accepted less
One look
One breathe
One kick
I love you
My thoughts boiled down into
The simplest of sets
How long is a minute
The next sixty seconds
An eternity, forever
And beyond the heavens
When you died
I wonder now when you
had your last minute, what
did you wish for?
A breath?
A look ?
A hug?
And I love you
Melt Away
A flame solitary and silent
Arises from the center
Of our shattered life
Glowing and flickering
Bright light descending
Finding the hope within
Melting away the sadness
Into a pool of fuel
It uses that energy to shine
While it glows so bright
What is not touched
By it soft yellow light
There is no darkness
Near this wick
No dark spots at all
Slowly consuming
And melting away
The hard substances
Of our pain
Final Words
Lullaby and good night
May your dreams come true
Lullaby and good night
May all your wishes too
I love you Chandler
You are my first son
And you were very wanted
You left us too soon
And I miss you already
Your mother loves you very much
And Stephanie too
There was this little boy
Who was walking in the forest
He enjoyed the woods and trees
He felt safe and comfortable there
He like to run and could dart between
The tree and bushes easily
He could see the deer and the rabbits
And hear the sounds of the birds singing
He could see the green grasses
And the brown bark on the trees
He could feel the cool breeze and
Smell the fresh air
Chandler, that little boy is you.
You are in a safe place and free from harm
You go before us and I need
You to learn as much as you can
About the world beyond this one
When I get there, you can be my guide
Together we can run in the fields
And play in the grass.
You look for your grandfathers
And grandmothers, they will help you
I love you Chandler, my son.
( my recollection of my words as I
rocked my stillborn so the last time)
May your dreams come true
Lullaby and good night
May all your wishes too
I love you Chandler
You are my first son
And you were very wanted
You left us too soon
And I miss you already
Your mother loves you very much
And Stephanie too
There was this little boy
Who was walking in the forest
He enjoyed the woods and trees
He felt safe and comfortable there
He like to run and could dart between
The tree and bushes easily
He could see the deer and the rabbits
And hear the sounds of the birds singing
He could see the green grasses
And the brown bark on the trees
He could feel the cool breeze and
Smell the fresh air
Chandler, that little boy is you.
You are in a safe place and free from harm
You go before us and I need
You to learn as much as you can
About the world beyond this one
When I get there, you can be my guide
Together we can run in the fields
And play in the grass.
You look for your grandfathers
And grandmothers, they will help you
I love you Chandler, my son.
( my recollection of my words as I
rocked my stillborn so the last time)
How are you doing?
How are you doing?
Simply asked by the unaware.
I saw the bright yellow sun today
It reminded me sadly
That my son had died
I saw the green fields and the blue sky
I thought to myself
My son had died
The simple teasing that would have
Cause me to fume, doesn’t matter now
That my son has died
The moments grind past
Exceeding slowness, since
My son has died
The person I was and liked
Has shattered and fallen
Now that he has died
I am reading information
I shouldn't have to, because
My son has died
Food has lost it taste and pleasure
Why bother
My son has died
I scream inside and whither
And only I hear
My son has died
So how am I?
I don't know, but I do know
My son has died
Thanks for asking.
Simply asked by the unaware.
I saw the bright yellow sun today
It reminded me sadly
That my son had died
I saw the green fields and the blue sky
I thought to myself
My son had died
The simple teasing that would have
Cause me to fume, doesn’t matter now
That my son has died
The moments grind past
Exceeding slowness, since
My son has died
The person I was and liked
Has shattered and fallen
Now that he has died
I am reading information
I shouldn't have to, because
My son has died
Food has lost it taste and pleasure
Why bother
My son has died
I scream inside and whither
And only I hear
My son has died
So how am I?
I don't know, but I do know
My son has died
Thanks for asking.
His Candle
His candle burns beside me
A memorial to his light
Warmth and energy expanding
Kicking stretching glee
I do not feel him now
Within her womb empty
The kicking has stopped
And the candle burns
I am a father now
To a lost child, why?
I am a father now to
A memory, a prayer
I am a father now in
Title alone, but what role?
Was I a good father?
Did I do it right?
Where is the child
I would have held
in the night? Gone
And the candle burns
How can I feel now
That I have sealed them away
I can't find the screams that
Echo in my head all day
Silent is my pain, hidden
With brick and mortar
I did secure within
Safe within my shelter
Strong and protective
Crying on my walls
And the candle burns
How do I express the pain
That lasts forever to
The one I love who endures
The same?
Fair it isn't, nor right
To hold her close as she
Cries away the night
Mourning the loss of our
child. So small and dear
I hold back, supportive
And nurturing, trembling in fear
And the candle burns
Each night is a struggle
And the candle burns
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